Arrival

I am starting this post with music, because music has always had a way of touching my heart in a way nothing else can. This is also the first song on the acoustic playlist we had playing during our planned cesarean section at 39 weeks. I remember exactly what was happening when it came over the speakers. I was leaning over as they inserted the spinal block into my back in preparation for surgery. In a few minutes, we would meet our little girl.

I cannot accurately put into words all the things I was feeling in that moment. Gratitude, excitement, anxiety, hope, fear, anticipation. I immediately started crying and looked at my partner and said, “welp, I guess I’m going to cry through this thing” and he said, “yeah, me too.”

---

We had waited a really long time for this moment. I can’t remember the count exactly, but this was either our 7th or 8th embryo transfer over the years. The only one that made it this far. I had been really close to giving up. I think I only planned to try 1 more time after this one because it was starting to weigh on me. I had about gotten to the place where I was going to accept that children were not in our future.

For the first 6 transfers, I took it in stride. I never got overly upset when they didn’t work and we tried again at the earliest opportunity. After our miscarriage and another failed transfer, I noticed it was getting harder to simply take it in stride. I tend to be a master at compartmentalizing things, and even my defenses were starting to fail. I also don’t think I allowed myself to grieve as I was too busy trying again. All of those emotions were hidden deep within me, but hadn’t been given the opportunity to be let out.

There was something about being in that operating room, knowing this was real and about to happen and having the perfect song playing that allowed the emotions to flow. I’m sure the amount of hormones coursing through my body didn’t hurt either. In that moment, I felt all of it. The grief, the loss, the hope, the joy and the wonder in knowing our lives were about to dramatically change forever.

---

I honestly can’t believe we made it to 39 weeks as planned. With all the risk factors they said I had (age, IVF, autoimmune disorder), I had convinced myself that I would get gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia. I knew for sure we would deliver early and prepared myself to be ready a month ahead of time.

None of my fears ever happened though. I had a beautiful pregnancy and all was well. The biggest concern was how big she was getting- according to ultrasounds, we were expecting a 9 or 10 lb baby. Even that in the end didn’t occur. Turns out I just had a big placenta that was taking up a bunch of room.

They called the procedure a “gentle cesarean” because we did get music of our choice, I was allowed skin-to-skin after the cord was clamped and they lowered the curtain for me to see when they pulled her out. Unfortunately, we got a bit of a scare though, because it took her a bit to start breathing. They had to pull her to the side and called the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) until eventually we heard the much anticipated wail.

My partner went with the midwife over to the baby as they worked on her and I could only watch helplessly, not knowing if she was ok, my body numb beneath me, until I heard her cry and everyone took a breath of relief. She ended up not needing the NICU and they brought her over for the skin-to-skin. And she was perfect.

Our little girl was born October 7, 2026 weighing 8 lbs 7 oz and 20.5 inches long. Brown Eyed Girl by Imaginary Future was playing when she entered the world. To be determined if she will have brown eyes, she was born with the newborn blue/grey color. My partner said there was an instant “click” for him when he laid eyes on her. He said something in his brain switched and he knew this was his daughter, he loved her and would do anything for her. I felt the same.

The birth went relatively smoothly after the initial scare. I found I hated the spinal block and not being able to feel or move from the chest down. I also got a bad case of the shakes afterwards, which I was prepared for, but were still not pleasant. I thought I would have wanted an epidural back before I knew we were having a c-section, but realized the loss of control felt terrifying. The biggest surprise to me through it all was how much I hated that part. I felt so relieved when I started to feel like myself again.

We only spent one night in the hospital before being transferred to a community birthing center for two additional nights. The hospital had shared rooms, so I was very grateful to get my own space at the birthing center. It was a great opportunity to get some support while figuring out breastfeeding and all that comes with new parenthood. I even had a friend who came to visit and let me nap for a couple hours, which was very appreciated.

When we got home, we got to introduce our German Shepherd to his new sibling. While he wasn’t sure what to think at first, he has been amazing with her. Very gentle and calm. Our little family of four has begun and I cannot wait to begin this part of the journey. There is one other song on the playlist that brings me to tears because it echoes my truth. I will leave you with it now.

Until next time.