Home Stretch

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to say in this blog. One of the down falls of social media is that most people only feel comfortable (myself included) showing the highlights of life. The messy pieces are often not easily revealed. This can make it isolating for some as it can be really easy to say, why isn’t my life as (insert adjective here-happy, perfect, exciting, full, etc.) as theirs is? At the same time, if you overshare on social media, then someone often quickly says, “don’t air your dirty laundry on social media,” which in some cases I’d agree with too.

All of this had me contemplating what the rules of blogging are too. One of my values is authenticity. I like to be real and I appreciate realness in others. Realness has all pieces though- the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. How can one “be real” and “not air their dirty laundry”? I am sure there is a line somewhere…maybe in this blog I will find it.

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I am naturally an introspective person. I also watch things and look for patterns. I did a five-year personal growth and development program many years ago that changed the way I saw and responded to myself and to life. In my early twenties, I was quick to respond to whatever happened on the surface. In my mid-forties, I am better at stepping back and wondering why that person did that or why that thing happened. I also try to be more measured in my response to it. When it comes to fight, flight or freeze, in many situations, I am a fighter. Not physically, but verbally and emotionally. Now, I often pause before fighting, check in to see how I am feeling and why, and try to respond from my truth instead of defaulting to anger. This doesn’t always happen, but it often does.

It’s been interesting watching everything happen in the US from the other side of the world. I often try to make sense of the huge divide I see in the US and most of the time don’t understand how people can see and respond to the world so differently. I notice that in the polarization, people have very different views on how the world should be and what steps need to be taken to get there. Opposite views really, which is why it can be so hard to bridge the divide between the narratives.

If you have been following my blog for a while, you probably know I am on the liberal side. There is a yard sign that was really popular a few years ago and if I could point to something and say, “That. That resonates with me. Me too,” it would be that sign. I have also come to realize that there a lot of people that hate that sign and would have a very different sign to represent them (and I might hate their sign too). We each think our signs are “right” and it is virtually impossible to convince the other to come carry your sign instead of their own. I feel safest when I am with other people that like and resonate with my sign too. The gap between the worldviews of the different signs feels huge and I have lost relationships with friends and family members because we can’t bridge it.

When I look around, there is a war going on between narratives. A war between what path humanity needs to go down to create the world we want to live in. I know the abundance of misinformation available has people struggling to know what truth is and what to believe. I know I often feel like I just want to band together with people who share my narrative and live in a country/world/community with them. Let the people who want to create a different reality create their own country somewhere else and leave us alone.

I am sure many who see things differently than me feel the same way. And I guess some people have difficulty allowing others to “just be” and instead want to make everyone believe what they do, which is where things get problematic. Especially when one group forcing their views on another group causes harm. As with most things though, what happens at the macro level (the larger world scale) also happens within the micro level (our own families and lives).

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Much of my biological family has a very different sign than I do. It’s led to many an argument and even periods of not speaking. My mom and I have been seeing the world differently since I popped out of the womb. Many times we end up repairing our relationship and have reached a level of acceptance that our yard signs are never going to be the same. I think we both know that one day our views may cause us to get so far apart that there is no coming back.

My mom started acting weird after I got pregnant. She called me less frequently and didn’t appear interested in the pregnancy, or being a grandmother, at all. She would still say supportive things when I’d send pictures of ultrasounds or other updates, but while very supportive on the surface, it felt disingenuous somehow. I finally asked her about it one day and she shared her truth with me.

My mom admitted (and has admitted this many times in the past) that she really isn’t a fan of kids. She said she’s never been excited about becoming a grandmother, but has had a particularly hard time with my partner and I having a baby by using an egg donor. She said the child wasn’t really mine (in a biological sense) and therefore, she didn’t feel like the grandmother. When asked if she would feel similar if we had chosen to adopt, she said yes.

My mother (and her sister) are also fundamentally religious with views and narratives I often strongly disagree with. She also shared that she was upset that my partner and I are not married and informed me my aunt would not attend my baby shower because there would be lesbians present. She didn’t think she would attend my baby shower either. In the same breath, she said while all this was her truth, she was still happy for us if it is what we wanted. And I think she genuinely meant that- she just doesn’t share in the happiness.

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While a different context, this is not different from many times in the past where we haven’t seen eye to eye about things. In the past, my anger at her (which would really be a cover emotion for my deep grief) would rise to the surface and I would tell her all the reasons I thought she was a horrible person and then not speak to her for a while. Sometimes years. You hurt me? Well f*#@! you then.

This time, I responded differently and in the way my personal growth and development program advised was the better path. Instead of allowing the comfortable rage and anger (which if I am honest allows me to feel a bit powerful) take over, I paused. I sat with it for a bit and allowed myself to feel what was underneath that anger. I let the tears flow and just felt all the feelings. Unsurprisingly, it was grief, sadness and pain. I wish things were different.

Her comments hurt; especially after how long we have tried to bring this little girl into the world. Also sad, because from my perspective, so many people gave so many acts of love and kindness to help us to do this, it saddened me that my mom couldn’t see the beauty of it. Grief because things aren’t different between us. That these barriers to our belief systems prevent us from a close and loving relationship.

My knee-jerk reaction was to want to punish. “Well, if that is the way you feel, you will never see either one of us again!” Instead of expressing that, I sat with that too. My mom didn’t say anything either for a while. What was to be said? Then my partner and I finished decorating the nursery and had another ultrasound and I texted to ask my mom to ask what happens next? Does she want updates and to be included or is this where we no longer have anything to say to each other? She quickly said that she did and that she wanted to be a part of this and did want us to be happy. She just had mixed feelings about it all that prevent her from fully showing up. That was her truth.

I have a whole lot of amazing people in my life. I learned long ago that chosen family are the ones I can really rely on. While I wish my biological family was more supportive, I don’t need their support to be ok. From this place, I was able to find a balance that worked for me. I will still send my mom updates (not from a place of obligation, but because I want to), as long as she wants to engage with me in a supportive way and cares to receive them. As for the baby shower, she is welcomed to attend if she can come in a spirit of celebration along with others there. She is not welcomed, if her beliefs will prevent her from being kind, respectful and sharing joy with everyone on the call. That choice is hers to make.

I have also realised I cannot expect more from her than she is able to give. It will be up to me to set my own boundaries around when it feels comfortable to engage, vs when it feels harmful towards me or my child. I will not accept abuse (emotional or otherwise), judgement, or be told my actions are bad/wrong because they do not align with her beliefs. I will engage as long as we each get to be different and respect that even if we do not agree in the choices the other is making. It’s a fragile place, but in this moment it feels like the right choice for me.

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I wanted to share that, because while there are a lot of good things happening in my life right now, there are some painful pieces too. I also know that I am not the only one that has to face similar challenges in their lives. To only share the ups and not also share the harder places feels disingenuous. Life isn’t perfect. It never is. Even for the lucky ones who have moments of everything going well, something happens. No one gets to escape tragedy, challenge, heartache and struggle. It just shows up differently for people.

I also think that in a world where truth can be hard to find and misinformation is abundant, our best defense is to be the change we want to see. I will try even harder to speak my truth and show up with integrity no matter what is happening around me. I try my best to hold the line between staying true to myself (which involves protecting myself, others and using boundaries when needed) but also keeping my heart open to others when they are different than I am when it is safe to do so. It’s not easy and I will not always hit the mark in any of this, but I will try.

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As for good news, I am at 30 weeks and things are going well so far. The nursery is almost finished and hospital bags are mostly packed. We have two upcoming baby showers; a local, in-person one and a virtual one for friends and family overseas. The obstetrics team wants us to have a planned Caesarean section at 39 weeks, as they believe that is the safest thing for the baby and me. I had just finished making my labour vision board with the intention of a natural birth, but am fine to stick with the safest route. Ultimately, I just want to be healthy and have a healthy baby at the end of all this.

Thank you for sticking this one through. I hope things are ok in your world too, or that you are finding the balance between the challenges and the bright spots.

Until next time.