I wish I could tell you that there was a lot going on in life other than preparing for a baby, but it really is all consuming. I am twenty-one weeks today and my calendar says the baby is the size of a banana. As large as I am, it feels like a bunch of bananas.
We found out last week that we will be having a little girl. If you had of asked me, I thought it was a boy. I guess this officially proves I am not psychic (not that there was ever really any suspicion of this). While I had started to get excited about the idea of a boy, in truth, I have always wanted a little girl.
In my family, there have been ruptures in the maternal line. My mom didn’t like her mom very much and my mom and me have had an incredibly rocky relationship. I’m hoping this is an opportunity to make some intergenerational repairs. I’m reading a really great book called, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry, which I highly recommend. It is good for all kinds of relationships, not just parental. I’m excited to meet the little one and begin this new journey with her. It dawns on me that I have no idea how to french braid another’s hair, so I guess these are things I will need to learn.
So far everything pregnancy wise continues to go smoothly. The ultrasound shows she is developing just as she should. I am really enjoying being pregnant. I always had a feeling I would, but you never know until you are in it. I hope things continue to go this well. The one thing I do struggle with is insomnia, but I have a feeling normal sleep is now years away. I have not had any odd or specific cravings, but I was a foodie before pregnancy and now it feels enhanced. I just enjoy food and crave all different types of meals. Cookies have been a reoccurring theme along with my 2:30 am nightly glass of milk.
As many of you already know, becoming a parent is like entering a whole different world. So many decisions and so many products asserting that if you don’t get this one thing, you will surely damage your child. So many different opinions and anecdotes. It can be hard to sort out what we actually need and what will work for our child. The excessive amount of books I have been reading has been helpful, but at the end of the day, I don’t think we are really going to know until she arrives. And probably not even then. I will say I am enjoying decorating the nursery, putting together our registries and buying the occasional cute outfit or baby gear. The sherpa bear suit I just got is my favourite so far :).
As for me, I feel I am in a transition period in life. Obviously as I prepare to birth a child and become a mother, but in my career too. It’s weird being an older mom. There are pros and cons. A pro is that I feel like I have already reached the career milestones I wanted to. I don’t feel any competition between career and family or that I have anything left to prove. I’m ready to give this my full attention for a while. I also do not know what I will want to do when I return from maternity leave. Will I stay in Corrections? Move back to the US?
When you asked me what my dream was when I started to become a psychologist, I said I wanted to work at a holistic recovery center. Not just work at one, but to create a safe space for those struggling with addiction, trauma and corresponding mental health issues. A place where you could live for several months and there were many approaches to healing (nature, adventure, trauma therapy, art, music, education, group work, spirituality, life skills) and most importantly an environment that helped forge healthy relationships with others. I have worked in environments like this before , but they are expensive and not open to the majority of people. I want to create or be a part of an environment that everyone who needs and wants it can access. I am not sure I will ever get to realise my dream, but I would love to put it out there in case I do get an opportunity to be a part of creating spaces like this.
I had hoped we could create an environment like this in prison. Ok, maybe not with all the options listed above, but at least a truly rehabilitative, trauma-informed space. While I still have that hope, I am a little cynical that we are close to it. I have learned that making change to large systems is incredibly hard and takes a lot of time. While little changes are happening and there are some pockets of healing spaces, there’s a lot of work to be done. This requires funding, agreed upon priorities and coordination between a lot of parts that are often siloed and don’t align. While I do believe one day things will move more in that direction, I am not so convinced I will see it in my career span. I think I am ready to be back in a healing environment doing healing work. Trying to do healing work in a non-healing environment is draining.
I also have a developing interest in the work being done with psilocybin and MDMA in therapeutic spaces. I do believe talk therapy can take a long time to break through defensive walls and hear about some pretty amazing results when these substances are used in combination with therapy. Between a residential recovery space and alternative forms of evidenced based healing, who knows what the next chapter of career focus will be. I am assuming it will get clearer as it is time to make decisions.
I can honestly say I have no idea where we will be in 5 years. There is a strong pull to return to family, but the world has a lot going on right now and it’s hard to know what the best decisions are. My partner and I are just going to focus on the baby right now and then once she is born and has her vaccines and passport, we will see what the plan is.
I hope everyone else is finding little moments of joy amidst difficult spaces and times. Some of the most important advice I have held onto when things get hard is, never give up. It’s not perfect. It will never be perfect, but things can change. They take hard work and determination, but it is possible. One foot in front of the other until one day things look different and breathing easier is possible again. There’s a lot of faith in trusting that one intentional step at a time eventually takes you somewhere worth going. So far, this has never let me down.
Thank you for continuing to be a part of this journey with me. I’ll catch back up in a few more months.
Until next time.
The Journey So Far 