Movement

Life continues to ebb and flow. The cycles don’t stop no matter what is happening around us. For what feels like a while now, my life has felt like it’s been in a period of pause. A time of waiting for answers and outcomes; seeing what happens next. Trying to let go of control. Once again, it feels like some movement has begun…

I attended a women’s voice retreat last weekend, tucked in the beautiful hills near the coast of one of New Zealand’s peninsulas. If you had asked me when I was 6 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have told you a singer. Unfortunately, I have struggled singing in front of others due to stage fright and have worked for many years to get more comfortable using my voice in song. The only way to get better is to put myself in places where I can sing with others. This retreat was about using voice- in song, word and behaviour.

It was cold and raining outside (it is winter here); the perfect environment to be tucked inside by a fireplace nourishing one’s soul. The retreat was about connection and community, but also about going inside oneself. We sang songs around a circle together, shared deeply, cried, supported one another and laughed. We also inquired about what keeps us from speaking up in other areas of life- where are we not using our voices? and why? How can we move past the obstacles and barriers to show up in the most authentic way we can? And most importantly, it was a space to say things that hadn’t been said, but needed to.

Something interesting happened while I was there. When I was given space to show up in any way that I wanted, instead of speaking (or singing), I remained silent. I was worried I didn’t have anything worth sharing. I was worried I might be rejected or invalidated. Instead of being vulnerable, I remained safe. In this context, staying safe had a cost though. Staying safe meant I didn’t get to be authentic, a silent betrayal of self and the gifts I do have to offer the world. I realised in that moment that what stopped me wasn’t external lack of opportunities or barriers, rather it was my own internal critical voices (or internalised societal voices) that kept me quiet or kept me from taking risks that could lead to creating the things I feel most passionate about. It took a space where all external barriers were removed for me to see that what was left was myself.

I was shown a mirror that felt familiar and painful, yet so necessary to understand if I want to free myself of this place where I continue to get stuck. It is choosing to show up imperfectly in this moment rather than waiting and letting life slip by. It’s remembering that it is ok to ask for help if I don’t know all the steps and remembering I don’t have to do it all alone. What is also funny is that this isn’t the first time I have had to recognise this pattern in myself. I have actually come a long way in my ability to authentically use my voice. The reminder is that this isn’t something you recognise and move through only once. Rather, it is more like a spiral that I keep running into and needing to move through over and over as I continue to show up in this way more consistently and for longer periods. It’s a lesson that has to be learned multiple times. I so clearly felt that it’s better to show up and struggle, than keep myself hidden, which benefits no one.

Something else happened during the weekend too. My heart re-opened. I had closed it with defensive walls without even realising I had done it. It is part of what happens during burnout. Especially to those in helping professions. The moral injury that can occur when we witness injustice and pain over and over and over can slowly cause our hearts to callous if we are not careful. This week, in a space where love and safety felt palpable, my heart opened and I was able to reconnect with myself. I discovered that part of the consequences of armoring my heart is I lose the deeper connection to the wisest part of myself. I was in a space soft enough to feel the tears that had led to the defenses and at least in that moment, my wall lowered and I was able to recharge. It felt like drinking a tall glass of cool water after having been stranded in the desert.

The rest of the weekend was a powerful reminder about who I want to be in the world and what I want to create. I remembered things I had promised myself long ago, but had forgotten along the way. I can’t believe I waited so long to attend a retreat like this. If I had done it sooner, maybe my energy wouldn’t have gotten so low. Regardless, it was a reminder of how important healing spaces that are embedded within community are. Creating more spaces like this are a part of what I want to do in the future. Spaces that bring people together and connect us at deep and authentic levels. Spaces that foster love, empathy, support and allow us to feel and process our feelings and emotions. From grief, anger, pain all the way to hope, joy, passion and laughter. Places where we can transform the hurt into something healing or channel the anger into something productive and life affirming.

In the trauma-Informed staff training I still lead in the prisons, I read this quote by Bessel van der Kolk, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health.” It’s true. We need places where we can fully be seen by others and accepted for who we are.

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Some exciting developments continue to occur within my role in Corrections. My training has reached more than 250 staff and been piloted in two other prisons, with talks of this continuing. There seems to be a growing understanding that we have to help people heal from the effects of trauma and adversity if we want to see true change and rehabilitation. The other exciting thing is that most of the members of the multidisciplinary team I work on have now been trained to be facilitators of the 16-week Trauma Talks program created by the Compassion Prison Project. This is an incredibly well done curriculum designed for the men in the prison so they begin to understand the role trauma and adversity has played in how they have developed and teaches ways to make some really powerful changes. Most people have no idea how much this information can change the entire outlook they have on themselves and their lives; often a necessary step in getting buy-in to do the hard work of changing old behavioral patterns.

https://compassionprisonproject.org/services/trauma-talks/

I have been selected to speak at the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation’s conference later in the year where I will get to speak more about the training for staff and the Trauma Talks series within prisons. Preliminary statistics on what happens when you create entire units that are trauma-informed are staggering. I am excited to be a part of sharing this work on a larger scale.

I will also be shifting my role a bit starting in July. I have been offered a secondment to be Principal Advisor for Mental Health and Addictions in three different regions in New Zealand. I am really looking forward to seeing what it feels like to shift off the front line and more into a space that has the ability to influence on the systemic level. We shall see if roles like this are something I want to pursue in a more permanent way in the future.

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On a personal note, our donor round via IVF was an absolute success. We got 17 viable embryos- 11 of them are graded as A and excellent options to try for transfer after the two month quarantine period. If all goes as planned, we shall see if I can get pregnant in August. Our donors got to stay with us for 10 days while all of this was happening and I really should quit calling them our donors. They are our family now.

If you had asked me two years ago if I would have hoped it would require other people coming together in these amazing acts of generosity to help us have a baby, I probably would have said no. I would have preferred to get pregnant naturally like most people do. However, I see it differently now. I love that it has taken many of our family, friends and even work colleagues to come together in amazing acts of love to hopefully create this child. I am glad I am not doing it alone and am instead a part of a small community of people working together to create something. I don’t think I’d want it to happen any other way. Somehow it seems sort of perfect. Even if the transfers don’t end up being successful, my heart will forever be grateful and full to know the generosity of those who came forward to help us. That can never be taken away.

We also added a new member to our family. We decided that bringing more joy into our lives was something that would be good for us. We added a German Shepherd puppy. While he is a chaos gremlin at times, I do think it is good practice for if our family continues to expand in the future. We love him and all the laughter and love he has added to our lives.

Until next time