I should start this post by saying I think I have more questions than answers right now related to how to use energy meaningfully. I can’t remember a time when life felt more chaotic. Not necessarily in my own personal life, but the world around me, especially what is happening in the US. I considered even cancelling my blog because it feels the world needs less noise, not more. What do I have to say that adds meaningfully to the cacophony? I don’t have the answer to that, but find myself here typing anyway.
I have felt a deep inner conflict lately. I was born and raised in Nashville, Tennessee where most of my schooling occurred in private, christian schools. In my mid-twenties I had a period of deep self reflection/identity searching where I questioned all the things society and others told me were true and had to learn to critically think about what felt true to my own soul. I learned that evangelical/nationalist sects of Christianity weren’t what resonated with me. I also don’t mind if other people resonate with those beliefs, but I want them to respect that I do not and do not want those beliefs forced onto me in the form of laws and governing bodies. I want the freedom to choose and others can have that right too. It’s what I value in a democracy. We get to be different and that is ok (even beautiful, really).
I left Nashville and moved to Seattle, where I purposely chose a graduate program that focused on multi-cultural and social justice issues. I cherish the time I spent there and took the values about making positive social change that is fair and equitable to all to heart.
I was at dinner with my friend recently, a psychologist who also relocated to New Zealand from the US, due to her own desire to be in a place with different racial dynamics than are in the States. I was talking to her about being raised in the South and how when I learned about civil rights in school, I always wondered if I would have had the courage to be with those who marched across the bridge in Selma fighting for equal rights. Of course I want to say I would. But if I really had to put my own life on the line to fight for other’s rights, would I do it? Even if I lost relationships to friends and family in the process?I still would like to think I would and it feels like now in history is the closest time I have ever lived in to coming close to finding out.
I constantly have the phrase, “silence means you are complicit” in my head. I hate what the government is doing right now in the United States and it literally hurts my heart to see it targeting so many groups of people and demonizing those who don’t agree with their rhetoric. I guess I would be considered a liberal, woke, pan-sexual, non-married, childless, highly educated female who supports DEI. Not very popular right now in some circles, am I?
The hypocrisy, false narratives and corruption I hear spewing from the President’s mouth regularly makes me ill. Project 2025 and the christian nationalist/white supremacist implications of it and other narratives I frequently hear make me angry at my core as the government talks of aligning itself with these views or the people who wrote them. It goes so opposite to my values and what I want to see in the world.
But how do I use my voice in a meaningful way? I don’t know that social media posts are what feel like a good outlet for this to me. Those seem to either further polarize or agree with people who already agree. How do I use my voice in a way that will contribute to meaningful change related to the things I want to protect and advocate for? I have not found the best answer to that question. It makes it harder when I am on the other side of the world.
Am I working towards social justice issues dear to my heart where I am? Yes. I am still working with Corrections and have just applied for the permanent role for the recent secondment I have had on the Mental Health Quality and Practice team. A role I hope gives me the ability to contribute to meaningful change on the systemic level within Corrections. My heart’s project is still to get the trauma-informed care staff training embedded nationally so we can start to shift the cultures in prisons. I work at it every day.
But even though I live in New Zealand, part of my heart will always be in the US. It is my home and it is where my friends and family live. Watching it be in such turmoil from so far away feels helpless. It feels like watching my home crumble in a way that causes deep grief. We also plan to move back there in the next couple of years, so I will be back in the middle of it all soon enough. Maybe then will be my opportunity to advocate more directly.
How can I use my voice in a way that is intentional and gets an outcome that leads to what I want to see more of in the world (love, acceptance, empathy, equality and equity)? This is my internal conflict. Not to be silent but not to channel hate and fear and get caught in the “us and them” polarization that is so rampant right now. It’s tough. I don’t have the answers. I often mess up and either stay quiet or get in non-productive arguments.
In other news, we had our first embryo transfer with the donor eggs last week. Despite our hopefulness, it was not a success. Our doctor told us it often takes 3-4 tries to be successful and not to be too disappointed. I took the news in stride, but it does hurt. Luckily, we have 16 more opportunities if we want them (although I don’t know I can do this 16 more times). I have a few more in me though. Finishing up IVF is the only barrier to us moving back to the US right now. As soon as this part is closed, we will return (or at leas that is the plan now). I am already trying to decide what I will do when I get there. I guess we have a bit of time before I have to figure it out.
I think that is it for me. I did some self-reflection about what I am finding helpful in the world right now and what the original intent of this blog was. I find it helpful when someone validates my narrative. When I hear someone that feels like I do and sees what I am seeing. It helps me not to feel so alone. The original intent of this blog was to share my journey and my truth to the best of my ability to anyone who is interested reading about it. I am not expecting everyone who reads this to agree with me, and that is totally ok. I do hope maybe it was helpful to anyone who does feel similarly feel just a little bit less alone.
But back to the title of this post. I have continued to keep focusing on the small things in my control such as being kind (especially to myself, but also to others) and really focusing on self-care. Striving for a quick reset in those moments I forget. The monthly women’s group I recently joined for community and connection has proven worth its weight in gold. Spending time with people who fill my cup is invaluable. Trying to keep living in alignment with my values even when it is hard is a challenge I am embracing daily. The puppy still brings joy too(most of the time, haha). So I guess being intentional with the energy I do have, even if in small ways, is all I know to do. So maybe I have a few answers and will gain some more with time.
Until next time and be extra gentle to yourself right now.
The Journey So Far 