2025 ended quite chaotically for me. We have decided to move to a new house, as our German Shepherd needs a fenced in yard to run around and play in. Our current home has a beautiful view of the water, but the insulation is so poor it gets really cold in the winter and really hot in the summer. One year, it was so cold in our living room that not only could I regularly see my breath, but it actually killed a house plant. It’s common in New Zealand for some of the older homes to be poorly temperature controlled.
We had signed a lease to a place that seemed to fit our needs, only to pick up the keys to find out the house next door had been demolished and took part of our fence with it. Luckily, we got out of the lease since the owner refused to repair the fence, but our current home was already packed and it was too close to holiday travel to go anywhere else or start looking again. We have been living half packed and half unpacked ever since. Luckily, our current landlord hadn’t found new tenants, so we decided to stay put until the new year.
For the first time in my life, we also got pregnant. It was our second IVF transfer with the donor eggs, and as you could imagine, we were thrilled. Sadly, we miscarried at 6 weeks and I found out three days before the news that the house wouldn’t work out either. I was feeling a bit defeated and aware of how hard life can feel sometimes. We did try another transfer right after that, but it was not successful either.
It was the beginning of December and we had plans to visit Philadelphia for Christmas, so we decided to pause everything and wait until 2026 and pick everything up again in the new year. The visit was short, but sweet. We even got a white Christmas. Some of our friends traveled to meet us as well, so it was a really great reminder of the wonderful people we have in our lives.
I had hoped 2026 would start out calm and peaceful, but that has not been the case. Even on a global stage, things feel wild. Our fertility doctor scheduled an appointment with us since we had three failed transfer attempts. We discussed next steps, testing we can do and possible obstacles we might be facing. I told her that I didn’t want to be the type of person that keeps pushing, when acceptance may be the path to take. I looked her in the eyes and asked her to tell me if she thought our odds at having a baby were not good. She smiled kindly at me and said she didn’t think we were at that place yet, but did advise some testing, which started with taking my bloods to rule out any potential underlying factors. I was told results can take up to 4-6 weeks for some of the tests.
While we were presented with lots of options, ranging from really expensive to not much at all, we decided to do another transfer, but to add acupuncture and some medications known as the “Colorado Protocol.” The doctor called it witchcraft, because it is not strongly evidenced based, but apparently commonly what some clinics use when women are struggling with pregnancy for unknown reasons. It consists of a short round of steroids, antibiotics, daily aspirin and estrogen, all timed around the embryo transfer. It doesn’t pose much risk and is helpful for some. They were the two least invasive and inexpensive options, while still doing something differently. We thought it was worth a try. My partner and I had decided at the very beginning we would likely only try 5-6 times and now we are at 4.
We did our fourth transfer a little over a week ago and I am two days away from being out of what they call “the two week wait.” We will find out Monday whether it was successful or not. However, shortly after the transfer occurred, we received some really impactful news from the doctor. The clinic contacted us and informed me some of my blood tests had come back and I pinged positive for a rare auto immune disorder known as Anti Phospholipid Syndrome (APS). I was told I needed to get to my pharmacy quickly to begin blood thinner injections. They thought we had found out in time to begin treatment and potentially save this embryo.
I had just gotten off work when I received the message (no cell phones in the prison) and was very confused about it all. I went home and did the dreaded internet search to find out more about what this news meant, and discovered APS is a condition where my blood can form clots, which causes antibodies and platelets to form. Not only does it cause miscarriages and pregnancy complications, but it also puts me at risk for things like deep vein thrombosis, strokes and pulmonary embolisms.
The internet says most people find out they have this by 1 of 2 ways: getting a blood clot or having pregnancy issues that cause it to be tested for. On one hand I feel really lucky that I found out this way and not the other. It is also oddly helpful to know why we have likely had such difficulty with IVF. When the condition is treated, successful pregnancies are possible, it just makes it high risk as complications throughout pregnancy are possible as well. There is a small chance this is a false positive, as true diagnosis requires a second positive blood test 12 weeks after the first. Due to the recent embryo transfer though, we have to proceed as if I have it.
I haven’t spoken to the Dr yet, so I don’t know what this means for the future. I think we are just waiting to see what happens with this transfer and then figure out the plan moving forward. I feel mixed about it all: glad we have started treatment, glad to have answers, but also a little worried that if I am pregnant, it means we won’t be out of the woods until after delivery, where hopefully a healthy baby and mom can celebrate the journey this has all been. I am also unsure if they will let me do any more transfers. Between my age and this disease, maybe I will be too high risk to safely carry. So lots of unknowns moving forward. Internally though, I feel oddly at peace. Grateful that I found out and hopeful things will be ok. I ordered a new book I am excited to read called, The Other Side of Change: Who We Become When Life Makes Other Plans by Maya Shankar.
If that feels like a lot to you, you can imagine how my week has felt, haha. The acupuncture has been surprisingly great and has really helped with stress relief. We resumed house hunting too and just signed a lease on a house that not only has what we need, but is less rent than we are paying now and located on the same street as our best friends. While the house is not perfect, it feels good enough in all the right ways. We will move in a few weeks. While things are still wildly up in the air, I am hopeful that at least some parts of life are starting to settle.
I also got the permanent role as the Senior Advisor on the Mental Health Quality and Practice team, so my National Office journey will begin February 9th. While the office is located in Wellington, they are allowing me to work remotely, which will also be a big shift for me. So one way or another, I have a feeling this year is going to involve some big changes. I guess we will find out soon enough what those will be.
I know it is really scary for many in the US right now. I watched a documentary of 1930’s Germany when they were still a democratic country and the progression to what they became by the end of World War II. Seeing some of the tactics used by the Nazi party parallel with what I am witnessing occur in the States is sobering. I also have a better ability to answer the question I had when I read The Diary of Anne Frank in elementary school and wondered how could something like this happen? I am saddened to gain clarity on the answer to this question by watching current circumstances. I know we have not progressed as far as Germany did, but I really hope some major changes start happening that prevents history from repeating itself in a new form. My heart warms to see the places where people are coming together to take care of each other and stand up for their truths. I hope we continue to see more and more of that this year as well. I also hope it becomes easier to see the propaganda for what it is and to never stop critically thinking. Especially now with an abundance of AI and when it is hard to know what sources to trust and what is even real. I hope despite all of these things, reality continues to shine through.
Until next time.
The Journey So Far 