I left the last post not having a lot of insight about what the future will hold. While I still don’t have it all figured out, I at least have the next steps and a few cool updates to share. It feels like several little pieces are all in the air and I am attending to each one as best I can. I guess we will see what the larger picture looks like in the future.
I have started working with the Prison Negotiation Team (PNT) as a psychologist who helps train Officers and other staff who want to be negotiators. These are the people who come on scene during an incident such as a hostage situation, a riot, or a scenario where someone is threatening to harm themselves. Their role is to attempt to negotiate with the perpetrator to de-escalate the situation in a non-violent way. Volunteers to be on the PNT have to submit an application, complete an initial assessment/interview and if they are chosen, they then attend a two-week intensive training program to learn the skills. If they do not pass at the end of the two weeks, they have to start all over again. Let me tell you, the role plays that are done during this training are quite intense. Kudos to the applicants who are successful.
I attended my first two-week training course last month. There are 4 Officers and an external psychologist who all have experience in negotiation who lead the course. I got involved because they are seeking an internal psychologist to join the training team in teaching the applicants skills such as active listening, the behavioral staircase model (used in FBI negotiation training) and generally provide insight from a psychological lens. I did mental health crisis response in my role at the University of Tulsa and I loved it. When I heard this opportunity existed, I jumped at the chance to be a part of it.
Luckily, I was invited back to work with the team to train another round of applicants. I am currently typing this while sitting at the airport waiting to fly to the North Island for my second attendance of the two-week training course. It has been a really cool experience and I find myself watching a lot of hostage movies/documentaries as I learn more about negotiation. I am hoping I will be able to remain involved in PNT while we are in New Zealand. Maybe this will be something I pursue if we return to the US (who knows).
I also just completed the first part of basic training for EMDR. This is a therapeutic intervention designed for working with people who have experienced trauma. While much of my career is starting to pivot into staff facing training, I wanted to add this intervention to the list of tools on my clinical tool belt. I am really excited to continue training in this if I decide to stay clinically facing in the future. I love clinical work so much, I can’t imagine giving it up completely. I think I am also trying to strengthen some of my pathways as I try figure out what direction I will go if I didn’t stay with Corrections in the US. A lot is out of my control, but preparing myself to have options is something I can work on. As with everything new I learn, I pay attention to outcomes. I will see what my experiences are as a clinician using EMDR and proceed if it gets good results and I have many experiences of it being a sound intervention to use.
I also have some pretty exciting news related to my training as well. It continues to roll out at my home site in Christchurch. Every Friday afternoon I lead a 4-hour training on Trauma-Informed Care in the Prison Setting. Over 122 people have completed it with twenty more scheduled to finish part 2 this month. It continues to get support and positive reviews. The NTE presentation from August did get some exposure for this and I am happy to announce we will begin piloting the training in a second prison on the North Island in November. This includes me developing a train-the-trainer model so that others can start leading the training on a larger scale. There are talks to look at further expansion at the start of 2025.
In similar news, the Compassion Prison Project (CPP) has reached out and invited me to lead the American version of this training at a women’s prison in California in two weeks. I have been told administrators from the state of Washington and California will be in attendance in this first delivery. If it goes well, we can hopefully start expanding into the US through CPP as well. We will be doing this via Zoom, which has me a little nervous, but New Zealand is a long way away and virtual is much easier to facilitate. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. It is such an amazing opportunity to be collaborating in this way and it would be my dream to bring it home to the US. I have always done these trainings in person, so I hope the magic that has helped it go over so well here will exist over technology. Cross your fingers.
The final update picks up from the last blog. A couple of months ago, two job opportunities popped up that were right in my partner’s desired area of interest. He decided to give it a go and apply. We waited anxiously hoping he would finally get a break. That something would finally open up for him. It would have required a move to Wellington on the North Island, but we would have been open to this. Unfortunately, it did not work out.
Our current visa status is on the track to become permanent residents, but we haven’t reached that milestone yet. We have been told by multiple people that in NZ, priority to jobs have to be given to residents and citizens. So if a job opens and multiple people apply, qualified citizens and residents will be prioritized over visa holders. We believe this may contribute to why he has had such difficulty getting a role in his field. He has a bit of a niche background and limited opportunities means more applicants. Understanding this doesn’t make it easier though. It’s hard to experience rejection no matter the cause and hard to feel like one isn’t making progress in their career.
This led to us having a real heart-to-heart about our future. Is this it? Do we leave now? We decided there was one issue that had to be addressed before we discuss when to move home. Do we want to take the next steps towards having a baby. We have both said if we proceed with an egg donor and IVF, we want to do it in NZ for many reasons. This is also the only issue in our life that has a deadline. There is a silent hourglass constantly draining sand around my ability to carry a child. As time passes, I continue to get older. As we both considered our future and what we wanted, we both said we would like to have a child and at least give finding an egg donor a shot. I can’t remember if I shared this in a prior post, but on a recent visit home, my partner’s dad graciously made a financial contribution towards our prior rounds of IVF. This overwhelmingly generous gift is the only reason we are even able to consider moving forward. I am yet again humbly reminded how it truly takes a village and that generous acts from those around us have helped us get the opportunities we have. We couldn’t have done it on our own and I am beyond words grateful for the people in our lives.
This led to another bit of synchronicity. New Zealand does not have a large supply of donor eggs ready to be used like some countries do. We would essentially have to find someone in their 20’s who would be willing to be a donor and go through all the necessary processes. As we are not from here and don’t have a huge community, we weren’t quite sure how to even start. Our fertility clinic said we could create a Facebook profile to try and advertise publicly to find a donor, or create a flyer and post it up in public spaces; however, that feels terrifying and incredibly vulnerable to me. I can’t imagine a flyer with us asking for someone’s eggs posted in a grocery store or laundry mat. What an odd request anyway. Geez. Can I use your eggs? How does one even do this?
When my partner and I were at dinner, we decided the first step would be to ask friends and colleagues we have if they knew of anyone who would be interested. I had a couple in mind I wanted to ask, but had no idea how they would respond or what they would think about it. At this point though, we don’t really have a lot to lose. We have to start somewhere. The next morning I got up the nerve to ask the couple I had in mind. I sent a message and said I had a random question for them and asked if I could send a voice message with the possibility to discuss further in person. The person I texted responded and said she had been meaning to discuss something with me as well and it was good timing.
I sent the message explaining our situation and asked if they knew anyone, and her response floored me. I had shared with her in passing the previous month that our most recent IVF cycle had failed, but didn’t think much of it. Apparently, she had gone home after I had shared this and talked to her wife, who is in her twenties, and asked if she would be interested in being a donor. The couple had taken some time to think about it and after going on vacation had decided they would be willing to do it. When they got my message, it ended up being the exact thing they had planned to talk to me about anyway.
The generosity of this brought me to tears. I mean what a huge gift. It feels so big I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I am a sentimental person and always have been. The thought of advertising our situation to the public and having a stranger respond didn’t feel great. I already have my own grief processes around accepting the child won’t biologically be mine. Having someone I know, respect and would want to share this with us makes it all feel so much easier. Plus, they are a beautiful couple and I would love to do this with them. I can’t think of a better solution.
We have a lot of steps to go before this actually happens. Even if we do it, we don’t know it will be successful. I can say that I am touched to my core at the beauty of this offer. I work in a prison where I am surrounded by the dark side of human choices. This is such a beautiful reminder of the beauty, generosity and connection we are capable of as humans. To know we have such support makes me feel so lucky no matter how this ends up turning out.
Earlier this week, my partner and I were eligible to apply for permanent residency. We should hopefully get this in the next few weeks. While we will still have to figure out what my partner will do as we go forward with the next steps in the IVF process, I am hoping with all my heart the change in resident status will help him make a shift too. It’s all still totally out of our hands, but I am hopeful doors will continue to open.
So I guess that is it for now. If the IVF process doesn’t work out, we will likely shift gears and focus on getting home to the US. If it is successful, we will likely stay a couple more years and then head back. I will continue to keep you updated as all the little pieces transform into endings or beginnings. I thank you for still reading this and taking the time to follow along. I hope, as always, your journey is going well or you are able to take it one step at a time as it all unfolds.
Until next time.
The Journey So Far 
I love reading your posts! Thank you for including me in your journeys.
LikeLiked by 1 person