Surrender

It’s been a few months since my last post. More time for the experience in Peru to settle in. It became really clear upon return that our situation in New Zealand has to change. My partner and I’s experience has been out of balance too long and it’s not fair. I have watched him apply to job after job, seeking to find a role in his career path that has meaning and purpose. He’s an aerospace engineer by trade and has been in school studying biomimicry; learning how to use nature’s wisdom to solve human issues in sustainable ways. While he has a job in NZ, it’s not directly in his field and it isn’t in his area of passion. Despite his efforts, he hasn’t been able to land a role that is a better fit for him. It’s actually been hard to watch my relative success in Corrections while he has struggled to find his place here. He left everything in the US to join me on this adventure and it hurts me to see it not pan out for him as we had both hoped it would. Unless something changes soon in this dynamic, we are going to have to set our sights on a return to the US.

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If I am being honest, I have mixed feelings about moving back. My training has officially rolled out at my prison as planned and it is slowly gaining momentum and getting attention at a national level. Last week I flew to Rotorua (North Island) to present at a national training event for Ara Poutama Aotearoa (Dept of Corrections NZ) psychologists about the training. It was received with tremendous support that I am hoping will help push it over the line on a larger scale. I’m hoping I can stay around long enough to help see this vision come to fruition, or at least transfer it to others who can carry the torch and advocate for its need. It may already be at that point, but it’s too soon to tell.

If we returned to the States, I don’t know what I’d do. It’s too early to know what part we would return to, or even where to begin. The US is a big place and my partner and I have promised each other that wherever we return we will both have to find career roles meaningful to us so things are more balanced. Prisons are different in the US and I am unsure if I would stay with Corrections, or choose something different. I would love to join forces with the Compassion Prison Project, but it is a bit too soon to know if that would be a possibility. Things feel in the air. My future isn’t certain. Yet another new chapter is about to begin, but I have no idea what it will look like. I keep getting the message that right now I just have to be patient as it all unfolds. Maybe one day I’ll actually get good at being patient. It’s not today, but I suppose I have no other choice but to trust, wait and manage the uncomfortable emotions that come with that the best that I can.

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It’s hard to let go of expectations and surrender to how life is showing up on its own terms. We started our second round of IVF when we got back from Peru as well. Unfortunately, it was not successful. I don’t think we will do another round. That leaves our choices to accept the outcome, find an egg donor or look into adoption. I am not sure what we will decide. There is definitely a grief process surrounding all this. My expectations about staying in New Zealand, my expectations about being a mother, and my expectations about my career.

In my ayahuasca experience, I felt what it is like to completely trust and surrender on an experiential level and it was terrifying. It is so hard to actually let go and trust things will be alright. There have been several times where I wake up in the night and feel the fear of having to do this as my life changes and feels out of my control in a lot of ways. It is also forcing me to live more in the present moment. I can’t see what is up ahead and all I can do is take things a day at a time, navigating each moment the best I can with the information I have and try to stay in alignment with my values. I find myself calling out for spiritual support often and this is what helps sustain me.

I know I choose my partner and I know if the situation were reversed, I would hope he would care about my future as much as his own. I also know my relationship is more important than my career. I can find a job doing something meaningful for me. It can change forms and I will be ok. I just have to practice trusting the shifts and changes and knowing life doesn’t have to always match my plans. I have to surrender to reality and not lose sight of the beauty that can be found in the midst of change. It’s not in my control; I have to learn how to ride the waves.

My partner graduates from his Masters degree in Biomimicry in December. It will likely be after this that we seriously start making a plan for our return. As with a lot of life transitions, I am both excited and a little scared. I do know we won’t move until we have found something that works for us both. Fresh starts can be sort of nice too. I am looking forward to seeing where the journey leads and what next adventure awaits. I am grateful to all the people in my support circle whom I can reach out to and be reminded I am not in this alone. It helps make the uncertainty of life easier to manage when I know we are all having to manage the ways life shows up on its own terms and all we can do is respond to it as best as we can.

I write this post from a place of mixed emotions, yet also with some excitement. I like adventure and I like personal growth. Nothing makes me grow more than having to show up to life in a way that aligns with who I want to be even when it gets hard. Maybe in the next post I will know more. Until then, I will join with everyone else out there waiting to see what happens next and doing the best they can in the mean time.

Until next time.