Peru

I love to travel. I’ve loved to travel since I first got a taste of leaving the country I was born in and experience different lands and cultures in my mid-twenties. The world is a big place. I love being exposed to different ways of viewing things and being reminded how many different perspectives there are. Different ways of being and believing. Not just one right way of doing it.

Peru felt life changing. Not just because I needed a break, which I did. I was only gone two and a half weeks, but it felt much longer than that. So much was squeezed into it and it all flowed beautifully. I had three days solo exploring Cusco and the Sacred Valley, followed by the ayahuasca retreat, my partner’s graduation and then a 5 day hiking journey on the Lares Trek and Short Inca Trail into Machu Picchu. We only ventured into the Cusco/Sacred Valley regions, but I can’t speak highly enough about it. The energy of the city and the people were wonderful. I was not expecting how much I would absolutely love everything about being there.

I’m going to warn you, this will likely be a long post. As I mentioned in the last one, I did a three day ayahuasca retreat while there and I have had several people wanting to hear my experience of this. Ayahuasca is a tea brewed from two plants found in the Amazon jungle. It has been used for healing in indigenous traditions for centuries. I will include my experience here to the best of my ability, as it is hard to put into words something that is so different than anything I have experienced in my life. It’s being asked to put something into English that doesn’t fit. There aren’t words, it’s too different, but I’ll do my best.

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Going to Peru happened because it was the final destination of the educational travel program my partner has been completing over the past two years. Family was invited to attend the graduation at the end of this and so I decided to join. I have wanted to try ayahuasca for a long time, as I know several people who have done it and reported it can be incredibly healing and life changing. As a lover of life experiences, I wanted to try it and see for myself. I have a respect for indigenous methods of healing, including plant medicine. Going to Peru provided an opportunity for me to do this, so I took advantage of it. Ayahuasca is not something to do lightly though. It requires weeks of preparation, including dietary and lifestyle changes. It is something to prepare for on a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual level. It is also something that needs to be undertaken in a well supported environment that is safe.

This blog is going to be especially personal, because I can’t honestly convey the experience without it being. I have mentioned on here in previous blogs that I have recently had some old emotional wounds triggered over the past couple of years, that I thought I had healed long ago. It’s funny the layers we carry and the often difficult ability to translate what we know cognitively and rationally into deep emotional levels and responses. Sometimes talk therapy isn’t enough.

I had begun working with a therapist/shaman in Maine at the beginning of the year because life feels like it is in transition for me and I wanted a space where I could process things and gain clarity on what my next steps are. When I started working with her, I didn’t know if I would even be going to Peru. It worked out well though, because once I decided I was and that I wanted to do an ayahuasca retreat while there, she helped me prepare.

They say you should go into the experience with an intention. Whether it be for insight, healing or something else. While you may not have your intention addressed, they say it is good to at least have clarity on why you have chosen to embark on centuries old plant medicine. I spent the months before the trip doing an internal inventory. What places in me are still caught in fear? What places need love and healing? What questions do I have about my path and my future and my next steps? Where am I out of alignment with the version of myself I want to be? I wrote these things down as areas I would love to gain healing, insight or clarity on.

When I was in Ireland a couple years ago, I bought an oracle deck from this small little village where Brigid of Kildare was from. She was supposed to have had a connection with nature, which is something I resonate with. This oracle deck has the most beautiful artwork and each card represents a value or area of life to pay attention to. I decided in the weeks leading up to the retreat that I would draw 7 cards and pay attention to the themes each card presented. The cards I drew were: protection, trust, grace, gratitude, flexibility, generosity and magic. Each of these cards has a write up about what they symbolize and how one can implement these things into their life. I wasn’t sure if or how they would show up in my journey, but I used them along with my list of intentions to sort of set the tone for the occasion. A mix between me bringing things I would be open to gaining from the experience, while also leaving it completely open to what would actually occur, which may or may not align with my preferences. Little did I know, the themes in each of these cards would show up in very tangible ways throughout the retreat.

I wasn’t sure what retreat center to choose, but I was given a lead that I trusted and the place I chose was one of the only ones endorsed by Peru’s ministry of health (https://etnikas.com/). It had really good ratings and reviews and had a blend of indigenous and western healing modalities. The ceremonies were ran by two Shipibo Masters and an Andean Master, but there was a medical team present 24/7 that consisted of a medical doctor, psychologist and nurses. I had to complete a medical history and exam (complete with an EKG) before I would be allowed to participate. It is contraindicated for anyone who has a history of psychosis, or a mental health diagnosis where psychotic symptoms are possible.

Beginning two weeks from the retreat, there was also a list of foods and activities I was encouraged to be abstinent from as part of preparation. Ayahuasca is a tea made from two plants and one of them is a MAOI. Certain foods and medicines can interfere negatively with this, so one must make sure those things are avoided prior to the retreat. I actually did a full liver and kidney detox/cleanse in preparation as well. This was combined with eating really healthy and avoiding the recommended things such as caffeine, refined sugar, alcohol, processed foods, pork, red meat and a few others.

There were options about how long of a retreat I could choose, but I only had a few days to spare. My partner had to do his school program the first week we were there, which means I had a week to explore Cusco solo. I chose a three day retreat, that involved doing ayahuasca on two nights and doing some volunteer work at a local dog shelter in between the ceremonies. Mine was the shortest retreat you could choose.

One of my partner’s teachers had done ayahuasca recently and in the past, so I asked for any advice or recommendations he had to give. His response was not only sweet, but proved to be incredibly helpful as I did my own journey (see the below screenshot). I even created a playlist that I listened to before, during and after the retreat.

On the morning of my retreat, I had to arrive at a specified plaza at 8:30am to take a bus ride to the retreat center in the Sacred Valley. I would be joining a group of up to 18 people, all there for the retreat. There ended up being 12 people in my group and they were from all over the world, although all could speak English. I was the second oldest person in the group and it was a mix of people. Some solo, like me, a mother with her two daughters, a couple, and friends. We all had to do a medical exam first and then attended an orientation and tour of the retreat center. It was absolutely beautiful and there was no wifi. We were told we would be on the journey together. There would be an initial meeting and check in with the medical team and psychologists and then each night we would do an ayahuasca ceremony. The next day we would all rejoin (group members, Masters and medical team) and process our experiences. We could meet individually with the psychologist if needed/wanted.

There were several ceremonies we underwent as well. An initial opening/cleansing ceremony happened down by the water led by the Andean Master. Each night before the ceremonies began, we had an hour meditation and movement space, followed by a protection ceremony. The meditation we were taught was similar to a loving kindness meditation and focused on giving and receiving love to ourselves and others. We were instructed that during ayahuasca, it was trust, forgiveness, love and observation that we could return to. We were told that even if what we saw was scary, if we looked at it and remembered the feeling of love, it would often transform and have something to teach us. The reason we volunteered as part of the retreat was to practically experience giving love and caring for another and having this level of energy with us as we started the ceremonies. Ayahuasca is viewed as a teacher and trusting what was brought forth was part of the process. At the end of the retreat we did a closing/gratitude ceremony down by the water that involved music and dancing.

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The ceremony room was round with high ceilings. There were mattresses aligned on the wall, where each person would be for the ceremony. Each person was given a mattress, pillow so you could sit propped up, a vomit bucket, tissues and blankets. You were supposed to stay sitting up, eyes closed, throughout the ceremony, as the experience is an internal and personal one. The ceremonies were done via candlelight and the two Shipibo Masters chanted throughout. Their chants were beautiful and haunting all at the same time. I could hear them at night for days after the retreat ended. There was incense burning. The medical team was also in the room and if at any time we needed help, an escort to the bathroom, or support of any kind, we could raise our hands and ask.

Our dosages were determined earlier in the day and it typically takes about 30-60 minutes for the medicine to take effect. We sit in silence by candlelight for the first part and the chanting begins about the time the ayahuasca kicks in for most. The first night I was nervous and excited all at once. They did a really great job of creating an environment that felt safe and supported. After about an hour I hadn’t felt anything, so they gave me a little more. After about 30 minutes, the experience began.

The first night was everything I had hoped it would be. It was amazing. In a bit of a synchronicity, as you know we have been trying IVF, there is a name that we have run across that if by some chance we do have a child, we would consider naming it this. I have never met anyone with the name until this retreat, but there was a person there who had that name. On the first night, we ended up sitting next to each other in the ceremony room. A sweet and comforting coincidence.

I didn’t get sick during the first ceremony at all and it was this interesting blend of anything and everything all at once. At first I was scared and felt restricted and then I just got this message that told me to be free and express myself and not worry what others thought. I decided to listen to this voice and tuned into the music and started swaying to the rhythm and moving my arms. I danced on my mattress (while seated) to the chanting and felt pure joy and bliss.

I saw ancestors and got information about my family lineage. I saw vivid scenes that were similar in appearance to Avatar (the movie). I saw places in myself that needed healing and love so I don’t cause harm to others out of my own wounds. I did healing work with my parents and younger versions of myself. I saw people from all throughout my life. Some of them I asked forgiveness from, some of them I gave forgiveness and some of them I just appreciated and felt intense gratitude for their presence in my life.

I saw how pain and suffering is an absence of love. When the energy did start to shift or become scary, I was able to return to love. It was empowering to see that I could make this choice. I felt like I received insights and healing. Much of the information I received was not in a language I understood (some of it was in patterns and even felt cellular) and time was not linear, but a part of me understood it anyway. Some of the oracle cards I had drawn showed up too. For example, I was shown experientially what Grace meant in a way that I have not understood before. I was told I needed to let go and trust more than I do. It’s really hard to explain, but it was beautiful. It felt like everything I was hoping to get from the experience.

I was given messages or information about myself and much of it addressed the things written on my intention list. I saw the places within myself where I don’t know my worth or feel inferior. I was told that it wasn’t bad or egotistical to own my worth and love myself, rather it was the only way to be able to help others and be a channel for love. This was all felt experientially in a way I haven’t felt before. The whole experience was gentle and full of love and gratitude. I was told to stand up and embrace my role as a healer and help others transform the places inside that need love.

It lasted about 5 hours. When I was no longer feeling the effects of the medicine, I was escorted back to the medical center where I was offered tea and fruit, they checked my vitals and had a conversation with me to make sure I was ok. Then they escorted me back to my room and I was able to go to bed.

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In the process group the next day I learned that not everyone’s experience was as pleasant as mine. In fact, only one other person had such a great story. Some people got quite sick, some people didn’t feel anything, some people had mostly physical symptoms and some people relived some painful life experiences. I will say though, even the people who did this said it felt healing and were grateful they had done it. It just hadn’t been easy. Everyone who did it the first night returned to do it again the next night.

During our orientation, we watched a video that talked about Andean Cosmology. Part of this cosmology includes different levels of reality symbolized by the snake, puma and condor. Balance is also iterated in this conceptualization. My first night’s experience fell in the realm of the condor. It was marked by feelings of love and gratitude. It was pleasant. My second night’s experience came from the realm of the snake and it was the opposite of the first night’s. Both nights were full of profound teachings and healing. One was pleasant and one was terrifying. I am grateful for both and between both there was balance. I guess maybe it is worth noting that before the second night began, I asked the medicine to help clean and purge the parts of me that needed to be healed or blocked me in some way. I do want to embrace my role as a healer and I asked the medicine to help clear out my own blockages so I can be better at this. In hindsight, I would have included the clause about doing this gently.

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I wish I could tell you my second night was like the first. It’s what I was hoping for. I had heard ayahuasca could be a hard teacher, but that was not how she showed up originally. I am not sure what made such a different experience. The first night I took a small dose and then a second small dose an hour later. The second night we just combined both doses and gave it to me at the start. I didn’t have more medicine, but I did have it all at once.

I knew after the first 30 minutes that something was different. It hit me hard and strong. I started hallucinating wildly. My water bottle had plants on it and when I opened my eyes, the room was different. Then I saw alien creatures approaching me. I got scared. I tried to employ the same tools I had used the night before, but it was too much and too intense. I wasn’t in control this time. I got so scared, I raised my hand and asked for help and they escorted me to the medical center. I had difficulty talking and communicating and reality was blurring for me. I told them it was too much and too intense.

They put me in the medical bed and I proceeded to stay there for hours, although time was a blur. What happened during this time is going to be very difficult to try to describe. I lost control of my functioning, yet there was a part of me that was observing everything that was happening, but that part couldn’t intervene or change anything. It just watched. I had an awareness of what was happening, but this awareness couldn’t take back control.

I would forget to breathe and then gasp for air as my involuntary system kicked in. Reality blurred. I forgot why was there. They had to remind me I had signed up for this and that it would pass in a few hours. I asked why in the world would I sign up for this. Nothing made sense. My internal experience was full of patterns and visions and things from another world. I’d panic and medical staff would rush in to calm me back down. This would work for a while and then something would trigger me and I would panic again and it would happen over again.

My critical voice got loud and I felt a lot of shame. I wasn’t doing it right. I was being a burden. Where was I? I started vomiting but I couldn’t hold my own bucket. My leg was shaking and I kept kicking the nurse but I was so disconnected from reality I didn’t see her leg there. I was feeling full blown symptoms of psychosis. I relived old traumas and had compassion for myself for how painful they were because I felt the pain experientially. It’s like I was a witness for some painful past times and it gave me perspectives I hadn’t had before. I was able to witness pain from my past in a felt way that wasn’t just cognitive. I got to mirror and witness younger parts of myself in ways they were desperate to be seen in. It was hard and healing all at once. Lessons I had been taught along the way suddenly made sense and clicked into place. I had to trust and surrender in ways I have not had to do before. The oracle cards showing up in ways I hadn’t predicted.

I was fully reliant on the medical team. I couldn’t hold the tissue to blow my own nose. At times I felt helpless and all alone. I didn’t know if this was normal or if I was going insane. While my worst fear was to publicly shit my pants (that part didn’t happen, thank god) I wasn’t too far above that point. I haven’t been that dependent on others for care since I was a baby. Luckily, staff was amazing and kind. I’m pretty sure most of my experience was happening internally, so really all medical staff had to do was calm me back down when I’d wake up in bouts of panic and help re-orient me to reality.

Things went in cycles. They tried to get me to go to sleep. I remember waking up sobbing and feeling intense emotional pain and the nurse came over and just held me. Then I calmed back down. Another time I woke up and was full of energy. My body was vibrating like I was somatically processing things out of it. I spoke gibberish, I made weird noises, I watched myself do it all and couldn’t intervene. I reminded myself of the exorcist, although I never spat green gack or levitated.

It felt like information was being downloaded into me and that my DNA was being changed. One time I thought I was a warrior. I’m pretty sure I let out a scream at some point too. It felt like I was channeling different energies. One time my psychologist came over to talk to me and I was hallucinating so badly all I saw was a tiger talking to me. I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I just looked at her and said, “you’re a tiger.” Luckily, she didn’t seem overly concerned (which was good). At one point and time, the medical staff just started laughing at me (not in a bad way) and I was pretty sure I was acting completely insane. I knew I was safe though, or they wouldn’t have been laughing. I also knew that I felt really happy, so I was at least a happy mad person at this stage.

I have since learned that in some ayahuasca experiences, people experience something called ego death. This happened to me, but at the time I didn’t know it was normal. I thought I was losing my mind and I didn’t know if I would get it back. All the sudden I found myself in the crisis unit in the prison I work at. Except this time I was the prisoner and I was the one with serious mental illness. I watched everything I knew of myself dissolve. Peeled off like layers. My name would float by, the concept of being a psychologist melted away. I lost all my memories and sense of identity. I wasn’t me any more and I struggled to keep reality. I couldn’t remember what reality was or if this was it or if anything ever changed. Nothing made sense. I was in a cell and trying to get the Correction Officer’s attention, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t find reality to communicate. I knew this was what serious mental illness must feel like. Then all the sudden this voice came in and told me that humans are all connected. That this time I was in the cell instead of doing the interview on the other side. I was the one not sane but that every human had the possibility of feeling or experiencing what every other human could. We are not different. There is no us and them. I got this message in a way and on a level I have never experienced before. Although I wasn’t me, I suddenly remembered and recognized my partner’s name. I didn’t remember details of him or our life but I remembered that I loved him and I remembered that we were supposed to remember love. So as my life dissolved around me, I remembered this person I love and it felt real and true and helped me anchor.

I was terrified during much of this. I kept seeing things from my past and getting insights while it felt I was processing stored energies from my core. It felt humbling at all levels and unlike anything I have ever experienced. With time, I started to get my identity back. At one point I woke up and saw my roommate at the retreat center in the medical bed next to me and I was SO happy to see her. I yelled her name, and she was happy to see me too and we held hands as we expressed gratitude for not having to be alone during this.

I remember getting really hot and throwing all my blankets and layers off (although I kept my base layers on). The nurses kept trying to get me to cover back up as it was really cold at night and there wasn’t heat in the building. I remember the feeling of gratitude I got as the hallucinations began to decrease and I started to feel like myself again and regain control. When this happened, I knew I would be ok.

I finally started feeling ok again and was ready to return to the ceremony room. The Masters were still chanting and while I was still feeling the effects of the medicine, I stayed in control. I remember having this profound healing moment and Brené Brown showed up. Not her, but her teachings. If you know me, you know this is what I did my dissertation research on- the impact of shame on people and the role of becoming resilient to shame in healing. I saw this tiny pocket at my core that was full of shame and I had kept hidden all these years and I heard Brené’s voice tell me it was exposing shame to the light that let it heal and in that moment I was able to open this piece of myself that I had locked in shame and I asked for the light to come in and for it to be healed. This felt like it was at the core of everything on my intentions list and all the old wounds that still show up. I don’t know what happened, other than I allowed that place to be exposed and I asked for the light to heal it and then I fell asleep.

They woke me up and asked if I was ready to return to my room for bed. They did the standard medical check and I ate an apple. As they walked me back to my room I looked up at the stars and the Milky Way Galaxy was visible. I wanted to stay and watch the stars, but understandably, they wanted me back in my room. It took me quite a while to fall asleep, as it had been quite the experience. I finally did though and was grateful I had survived and also grateful I didn’t have to do it again.

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The next morning I felt pretty raw. I knew I had gotten my ass handed to me, but I still didn’t know if what had happened was normal, or if I had reason to be concerned. I felt embarrassed and wondered what staff would think of me. When it came time to attend the processing circle, I was the first person to raise my hand. I shared that it had felt like I lost my mind and I asked if it was normal, or if I should never take ayahuasca again because I almost had a psychotic break. The medical team and Masters both assured me my experience had been normal, nothing was wrong and that I was free to do ayahuasca again at any time and they would even recommend the same dosage. While this blew my mind a bit, I also found it extremely comforting. My anxiety had likely made everything worse and in the future I would likely be able to relax and trust more. Especially if I knew I would regain control and losing my mind was part of the process.

So much happened that night that I continued to process and integrate things for days afterwards. In fact, the following nights I still had dreams where I heard chanting and felt the medicine in me. The more time and space passed, the more I could see how healing that second night had been. I was also glad we had a 5 day hiking trip in nature, which was a great place to continue processing all that had occurred.

I felt changed afterwards. I am not sure you can go through something like that and not feel changed somehow. I had gone into the experience with some intentions and healing requests. I left feeling that I had gotten what I had asked for. Even now, two weeks later, I still feel different in a good way. I am profoundly grateful I had the experience and also profoundly grateful I chose a place that gave such great care. I can’t imagine having gone through that in a place where I didn’t feel safe and supported.

It’s also worth noting that while out of our group, others did have similar experiences to me (even that second night), some did not. People’s experiences were unique and very different. By the closing ceremony though, most people felt they got a lot out of it and many people were grateful they did it. No one in our group was injured or had any negative lasting effects. I would do it again in the future and I think knowing what I know now, would have an even better experience.

I do believe we all learn what we need to learn and there is something to trusting what the medicine shows you. I have been hyper-independent for most of my life. While humbling, I think it was good for me to have the ego layers stripped away and have to trust people who proved to be trustworthy. It was a sacred experience and I am sure my attempt to put it into words have still missed out on the entirety of all that I gained and experienced. I got some deep messages about love and healing that I felt in the deepest parts of me. For that, I will always be grateful.

Until next time.