The Need for Pauses

I’ve always been a seeker. I like depth. I enjoy pondering the mysteries of life and trying to find purpose and meaning within it. My most favorite thing is conversations with people when the masks are off. I’m not a fan of the superficial. I remember back in my early twenties when the book The Secret had just been released and how curious I was about it. So much so that I traveled to upstate New York to a holistic retreat center known as The Omega Center to attend a workshop about it. Yes, I know it was woo woo and new agey, but the workshop was actually about something called the Sedona Method, a technique that encouraged inner reflections, healing past emotional wounds and suggested there was an “inner world” that I hadn’t really thought much about at that point. The point of the workshop was suggesting that you had to clear out internal blocks to gain inner alignment and clarity so you can begin to attract the things into your life that you want.

I should pause here. I have a doctorate in psychology, where I was rigorously trained in critical thinking and scientific evidence. I have a very firm grasp on this and as a professional, spend my time grounded in things with an evidence base. However, as a curious young person who had never even dreamed about becoming a psychologist, I was fascinated in learning about things I didn’t understand. Even if they sounded a little far out. I still am. There is so much humans are still learning about how everything works. I learned the idiom, “take what fits and leave the rest” and used that to explore and decide what made sense for me and what didn’t. My critical thinking skills come in handy in this regard. Another important measuring-stick for me is, “does it cause harm to myself or others?” or “if I choose to do or believe this, what would the outcome be?” and I try to think a few steps ahead. Would it help me heal, grow, or make me a better person in line with my values? If yes, I might try it out to see if it works and then choose whether I take it or leave it. If no, I just leave it.

I never ended up getting anything from the Sedona Method, nor did I pay much heed to manifesting, although it did open my eyes to personal growth and development, focusing inward to obtain different external outcomes, and the benefits of taking time to get clear about what I wanted so I could have a plan for making it a reality in my life. It started the journey that led me where I am today.

I say all of this because for a long while I knew what my next steps were. I started school, I followed the progression and when I graduated I sought to do the one thing I had been dreaming about for years: to live internationally. Luckily, I was able to see that dream become a reality. When I got to New Zealand and started to create the trauma-informed care training for staff along with the Compassion Prison Project and then got permission to roll it out to the prison I was working at, I felt aligned with my passion and purpose. Cultural and systemic change is my focus. I want all the knowledge I have learned about personal growth, healing and trauma to influence how we approach things, including prison. I strive to be a part of the voices endeavoring to shift the culture into one that values rehabilitation and helping people heal. I thought I was going to get to make a real impact in this regard, and hopefully one day I still will.

However, life has a way of going at its own pace. The training was supposed to start August of 2023. It’s January of 2024 and short staffing has prevented it from happening. I’m still hoping we can try to restart in April, but I am not as hopeful as I once was. I wanted to shift the culture so much because to do my job without that is hard. I don’t always enjoy my day to day work because the current prison environment isn’t conducive to healing and rehabilitation in a lot of the spaces (not all, there are some therapeutic units, but as a whole). People’s perspectives and priorities need to shift to really understand that people are not just “bad” and need punishment. While I do believe in consequences for inappropriate actions, I also believe in digging further to see how that person got to where they are and what healing or rehabilitation would they need to allow them to leave in a different place than when they arrived, at least for those that wanted to make this change. Without a larger change in values and priorities, I lose hope sometimes. Or I at least get frustrated by how much I wish things were different.

I recently got access to the entire 16-week Compassion Prison Project program designed for people in prison that teaches them about ACEs, neuroscience, understanding emotions, coping skills, techniques for healing from trauma, and creating new narratives. Each episode has experts from all over the world teaching about all kinds of evidenced-based topics including shame, accountability, violence, vulnerability, resilience, traumatic brain injuries, forgiveness, restorative justice, and the list goes on. It is an impressive program that needs to be in our prisons. They are already doing it in several in California and even one here in NZ on the North Island. I am hoping to figure out how I can get my training for staff and this program for people in prison aligned so we can really measure the effects and change that could occur from this work. At least maybe in one unit so we can do some research and see if it is beneficial.

What I have found though, is that changing a current system is hard. Especially when it is big and clunky and lots of people are in charge. It takes a lot to break out of the status quo. While I know what I want to do, I don’t always know if it will actually be able to happen. Especially when factors like staffing levels and the new government that just took over (who may or may not support changes like this) are completely out of my control.

As I wait, and hope, I did make one small change in my routine. I started working at the women’s prison as well as the men’s. For two days a week, I hold a clinical caseload of 8 women. I am absolutely loving it. I had always thought I may work at a women’s prison one day, and now that I have, I definitely feel it is a fit for me. I like working with men as well, so my current arrangement is kind of perfect.

However, we’ve hit a bit of a snag. We’ve been here 2 years and 4 months now. In this entire time, my partner has not been able to find a job in his field. He has a job, but it’s not doing something in an area he is passionate about or feels contributes to his growth. He’s been stagnating as I’ve been enjoying my career. When you’re in a relationship, both parties need to feel satisfied (or at least be striving for that to be possible). It’s hard when one does and one doesn’t. It’s also not fair. This has caused us to have some serious conversations about the future since my partner’s career is in a field just not very large over here. Despite the multiple job applications he has submitted, it just hasn’t worked out, to no fault of his own. He is ready to go back to the States. I understand his perspective and am grateful he has withstood the struggles as long as he has. Luckily he has been doing a school program, which hopefully helps him feel he is doing something to grow his future and has probably contributed to why he has been willing to stay as long as we have.

It’s a hard situation. Life isn’t always easy. We have to make choices and hope we are making the best ones. We want to stay until the end of the year, and we will give it this last shot to hope something shifts for us. If not, we may be looking to move back. In fact, we’ve already said if the IVF is successful, we will plan to head home to be closer to family anyway. I won’t lie, this is hard for me. I like it here and I had such high hopes for my training and future with Corrections. I guess maybe it’s a blessing in disguise it hasn’t been able to roll out, because I would probably find it harder to leave if I was really doing something that felt so big and meaningful.

I entitled this entry the need for pauses, because the realization of possibly returning home soon ungrounds me. What will I do? Will I stay in Corrections, despite it being different in the States than it is here? I definitely love facilitating trainings in topics that matter to me. Do I work at a holistic recovery center like I’ve thought about in the past? I’m thinking of what else interests me. Over here I have gotten into hostage negotiation training and crisis response- do I seek something like that? Maybe with police? What about hospice work or oncology? I have always thought that work would be sacred. The truth is I don’t know. I don’t know what my next step is and that feels really scary. I don’t want to start over. BUT I am working to be better at accepting life on life’s terms and learning to trust. I am not naturally good at this, so of course life gives me lots of opportunities to practice.

I’ve written before about how I do my new year’s reflections. This year I bought a gratitude journal. There’s this beautiful entry in it that says a gratitude journal is more than just listing the positives in your life. It’s about learning how to accept reality as it is and find the beauty within that. Especially when it’s not easy or you wish things were different. Can I say yes anyway? I also think crossroads are often times to pause. To reflect. To re-create and adjust to the path life has laid. To find the balance in accepting and creating.

Our first attempt at IVF was not successful, but we may have another shot. It’s such a wild process. We went through the whole thing in December. If you don’t want to know details, skip this part. They were able to retrieve 5 eggs from me. Of those, four of them fertilized. Of those, two of them stayed alive the necessary 5 days before you can re-implant them. One of the eggs we immediately re-implanted in hopes of a successful pregnancy. That was the one that didn’t work. The second embryo we did some chromosomal testing on the front end to see if it is normal, as most miscarriages occur due to chromosomal abnormalities or unhealthy eggs. This one we had to put in the freezer while we await test results (it takes 6 weeks). If they come back as normal, we will then thaw the embryo and try to implant it. We will again hope it results in a successful pregnancy. If test results do not come back normal, then we get to decide if we want to do IVF again, or we choose not to and try our chances at natural (or begin to accept that it will most likely not occur).

I won’t lie about it being an emotional roller coaster. It is. I’m ok though, I still feel pretty balanced about the outcome. I want it to happen, but am already preparing to accept it will not. I think the hardest part of this year is that every thing feels suspended. Like all these different roads are in front of me, but I have no idea which one will actually open up. Will we get pregnant? Will something shift so we can stay in NZ a bit longer? Will something open up for us back in the US? I have absolutely no idea. I just have to hang out in this pause and be patient until life reveals itself to me. One of my favorite quotes is by Rainer Maria Wilke:

Until next time.