The Next Season

The trip to the States was overall a success. My partner got COVID while traveling, which caused part of our journey not to go as planned. We were unable to visit with my dad and his family, which was very disappointing. Especially since my dad is 80 and I don’t know how many more visits there are. I did manage some time with him before my partner joined, but I had really wanted the three of us to get some quality time together. The CDC recommends you isolate the first 5 days and then if symptoms improve, you still wear an N95 the other 5 days, but no longer have to isolate. He arrived on day 5 and all his symptoms had dissipated. My partner is very conscientious of things, to the point he wouldn’t take off his N95 mask around me and we slept in separate beds so I wouldn’t catch it. It worked, and I didn’t catch it, but my step family did not think there was a safe way for contact and we spent a couple days in Texas on our own. It was heartbreaking for me, and I certainly did not agree with the decision, but what can one do?

Luckily, the visit with my partner’s family went beautifully and was the perfect ending to the trip. I also got to spend a lovely weekend with one of my very best friends in Texas. It is hard to say goodbye though, and it can be hard to be around so much community and loved ones and return to a country where our community is quite small. There are pros and cons to most situations, and our choice to leave the US definitely has had both. It’s hard to be mid-life and make deep friendships, especially in a place where a lot of people already have their communities and aren’t seeking immigrants to join their group. We have struggled to make the time to join the activities that might help make these larger connections, and my partner has struggled to find work in his career field here. It’s a relatively small island and if you have skills they need, it’s great. If you don’t, it’s hard. We still haven’t decided if or when we will go back to the States, but it’s definitely looking like we may return at some point. We are very grateful for the connections we have made here though, it makes all the difference. Humans are so hard-wired for connection and belonging.

I guess in bigger news, we have started In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF). We have had all the preliminary testing and things look ok, but my window of opportunity is relatively small, so we didn’t have a lot of time to wait. If you are not familiar with IVF, it is a very expensive endeavor. One that honestly we really can’t afford. The NZ dollar is half of the US dollar, so compared to the US, we both make about what we did when we were students (or just out of school).

It’s funny, because as a psychologist, I hear stories that often represent the worst of humanity. I hear people’s stories of trauma and abuse, and in a prison I know of some pretty horrible things humans can do to one another under the right circumstances. I am used to hearing these things and am pretty good at compartmentalizing them. I have to be. However, if you want to make me cry, all it takes is me witnessing beauty. Those moments that represent kindness and love, where humans show up in the best versions of themselves they can be. I still cry at Christmas carols sometimes, even though I am not religious. The beauty of life touches me.

I had this beautiful moment occur when I was still in Texas that definitely touched my heart. Two of my best friends sent me a text offering to help us pay for IVF. The text was completely out of the blue as we hadn’t asked for help (I’m very stubborn), but somehow they knew we needed it and offered. I immediately burst into tears, not because of the financial help (which was definitely appreciated), but because I am blessed enough to have people in my life who would love us enough to want to support us in this way. In that moment I felt so grateful to be reminded of all those I consider chosen family and how loved I feel by them. My other best friend was sitting next to me in the car when I got the text and I think we both cried. It was just such a beautiful moment. Had you known how difficult the past two days had been (traveling nightmares, COVID, other challenges), you would know that the news hit at the absolute time when something beautiful was needed and it felt so good to have a good cry for all of it. I should have known it would have been the beauty, not the pain, that led me to tears that I had been needing to shed.

I started the testosterone patches and birth control yesterday, which is the preparatory phase that begins about 3 weeks before we start the official IVF regime. By mid December they will attempt to harvest my eggs to see if any are healthy enough to be fertilized. If so, they will be fertilized and any that survive 5 days, will be the candidates for re-implantation. It’s a pretty wild process if you are not familiar with it. On each phase of the process, you either get what you need to keep going, or you could end if you don’t. Obviously the end goal is a healthy baby, but we may or may not get that far. We are also going to do some chromosomal testing on the front end, which requires freezing the fertilized eggs that survived, so it is a bit unknown as to when we will attempt the re-implantation if we get lucky enough to have at least one chromosomally normal, fertilized egg.

I guess it sounds like a lot, and in truth it is, but in this moment I feel pretty good about it all. I know it may not be successful. I have always lived life with the knowledge that there is only so much in life I can control. My job is to do the very best with what is in my control and I have to let go of what is not. Over the years I have made similar leaps where I just throw open my arms, put myself out there, hope for the best and metaphorically jump. I am going to try for this, because I would love us to have a child. If it is not in the cards, I will walk away knowing I did everything that was in my control, which is all I can do. I spent so many years assuming I wouldn’t have children, that I’ve already made peace with that. I will be sad, but I chose other things in life when I was younger and I have zero regrets about the path I have taken. I will be equally happy with a couple of dogs, more money to travel and whatever other adventures come my way.

So it’s going to be a busy couple of months. I’ll keep you posted. I also hope whatever things are going on in your world, you are navigating as best as possible. I hope you too can find the moments of beauty and kindness intertwined with the obstacles, challenges and more painful aspects of life.

Until next time.